安安静静地过完一段日子。好像完成生命某个阶段。

接下来怎么样没人知道。有时觉得这是好的，有时觉得十分可怕。

有的时候觉得自己是个闷人。朋友不多。别人愿意主动靠近也多半被自己拒绝。

非常自闭，不愿意结识新人，有时甚至也懒得敷衍故人。不知道是害羞还是冷漠。

有的时候又觉得自己是个太活泼的人。对有好感的人太轻易相信太轻易敞开怀抱。

非常聒噪，总是想这想那。又不够镇定冷静，脾气暴躁，不能容忍，时不时出小差错。

大概是自己心胸太太太狭窄了，对人对事学不会耐心忍受，学不会乖巧圆滑地处理。

所以许多事都做不来，就算会做也不愿勉强自己。

总是有一堆这样那样的借口。其实说白了不过是对自己的过分保护与自顾自地麻痹。

真的。有些事你做与不做，变与不变，其实结果都差不多。

也因为这样错过太多努力的机会留下太多遗憾的叹息。

但内心总还是固执，坚持告诉自己因不努力而没结果，总比努力了却还是一无所获的好。

但是真的就是这样么？还是只是因为这和自己的利益息息相关的程度不够？

很势利吧，人还不就是这样。毕竟超凡脱俗到某种境界的圣贤人不过是少数。

许多时候，即便没能得到自己想要的结果也没有埋怨。

是为什么呢？

仔细想想不过是因为自己理亏吧。

因为那些原本叫嚣着要得到的公平得到的尊重都是不属于自己的。

相反，别人的一点点失误，就死咬着不放，逐渐逐渐不断放大。

又是为什么呢？

大概是因为自己还太不成熟，学不会那句得饶人处且饶人吧。

讨厌的人一旦露出马脚就死抓着不放，务必要逼到对方走投无路方觉得痛快惬意。

特别是自己的利益受到干扰的时候，即便是相爱的人也可以立刻翻脸不认帐。

曾经那么那么爱的一个人，为了他的利益做小人做坏人耍心机都在所不惜的一个人。

反目后居然会狠心到恨不得他死无葬身之地。人类恶毒可怕的程度，连自己都每每被自己吓到。

你们大概是太爱我了。于是总对我说自私也没关系的，人不为己天诛地灭。

然而其实不是这样的。

原来许多我曾经一心想要达成并为之不择手段的事情，多半都是错的。

我们为什么要为了自己不喜欢的人花多余的时间精力想尽办法糟蹋折磨对方？

他们死了痛了倒霉了我就真的会开心么？不一定。

许多时候我甚至也为它们付出代价了。

真遗憾呢，要到这么大个人了才明白一些事。

要到自己已经分裂出这么多个自己都不认识的自己了，才明白原来许多所作所为都于事无补。

亲爱的，善良天真可爱的我，心里住着恶魔。

我不知道它到底只是恶作剧还是真的邪恶。也不知道它什么时候什么情况下会跳出来。

所以亲爱的，如果有时我看起来不快乐也不伤心，不舒泰也不痛苦，不笑也不哭；

又或者有时我不再可爱，变得邪恶，变得嫉妒极端小心眼很自私；

伤害了你或谁，或做出了什么无法弥补的蠢事遗憾事；

请你原谅我。

我也为此困扰着难过着，也曾试着麻醉自己放纵自己又或者阻止自己。

迄今为止我还在努力，成果有的，失望也有的。

请你原谅我。

我的高兴的痛苦的，温柔的狰狞的，笑着的哭着的，可爱的灰暗的，又或者天真的吓人的，

每一个分身。

它们都是我。它们又都不是我。

我还在努力搞清楚，努力为了你和你们变成更好更完整的自己。

所以不管对错，请你原谅我。

我的每个分生，终究会因为你或你们还有那些形形色色的事情变平和变完整的。

我坚信着。

You asked about the reason why my heart’s in misery

I couldn’t say because I knew you would think it’s stupid, and pointless

But my darling the truth is, my heart is in misery

Not because of those lies that you told to me

Not because of the fact that you broke my heart with her

Not because of those nonsense that you made me believe

Not because of the fact that you don’t care about me as much as I do

And it was not because that I loved you so much

My darling my heart’s in misery

Because you pretended that you didn’t see my sorrow

Because you lost me again and again and again

Because you forgot about things that I want and didn’t want

Because you made me feel that you don’t love me enough

Because oh because, you made me lie to me

You made me not believe myself and I hated me so much for loving a guy like you

I know you will say that how much you love and care about me

But babe you’re doing it in your vary own way, the way that I don’t like

If there’s one thing, only one thing,

After all the things that I’ve done for you, that I want you to know

It is that I loved you so much that I forgot about myself completely

And I cared about you so much that I didn’t know how to protect myself

I tried so hard to let you know a real me, everything about who I am and what I am

I treated you fairly, and faithfully

I worked so hard to love you, in the way that you liked and wished

But darling how could you break my heart

By not listening, not seeing, not caring and not giving, anything, any little little thing

My darling now I really don’t know

Should I still be love in you

Or should I just leave without a sound

I wouldn’t cry for you anymore

Because part of my heart that died for you will never feel the same love and pain

And I wouldn’t talk about this to you anymore

Because part of my heart that cried for you will never yell out the same love and pain

So babe tell me what to do

After so much sorrow we’ve been through together

After so many things that I’ve done to make you love me more as much as I love you

I don’t know what to do

After so many lies so much pain so many tears and so much heartache

I’m not wiser, I’m not charmer, and I’m not even stronger

Please anybody tell me what to do

I feel so down I feel so sad I feel so bad

But now I don’t know anything about the reason why my heart’s in misery

The only thing I know is that your heart will always be in misery

For the one that you love and care about so so so much

Then shall we stop loving and caring

I don’t know I really don’t know

Do you know?

The reason why your heart’s in misery?